E is for Exhausted

I am both literally and emotionally exhausted.  I haven’t slept much in the past few days and not for any reason I’d like to have been up for.  I’ve also been on an emotional jab recently and I think I’ve wanted to cry nearly every minute for the last 24 hours.  I actually have cried a few times, but mostly I’ve held it in, because I was around people and I had to.  I’m pretty sure it’s because of female issues, but this is a completely new thing.  I don’t normally get emotional, but the past few months I have been at this time.  My temper issues don’t help much either.  As my mother put it at lunch, “You hold it in and hold it in until you cry.”  And, yes, yes, I do.  I got pissed this past weekend and held it in until I was sitting on a chartered bus, surrounded by 30 some other people, leaning against a window and faking sleep in the pitch black night, when in actuality I was silently crying.  Why on a chartered bus, surrounded by all those people?  Because if not there, then where?  I was headed back to a hotel where I was sharing a room with three of my good friends who would have surely been suspicious had I entered the bathroom, stayed in there for a while, and then exited with red eyes.  Not to mention the fact that if I cry while alone, I sob and they would have heard the sobs.

It was a bad day overall, this past Saturday, and my trips on that chartered bus started and encouraged the bad mood I was in.  Other situations only helped to prolong the mood.  That guy from my first post?  The one that made me think that my life was “damn good”?  Yeah, well, I haven’t heard from him since last Thursday.  It’s the longest we’ve gone without talking and part of me is worried I did something wrong and part of me thinks, screw him, if he doesn’t want to continue what we started, his lost.  A third, slightly more rational part of me, is thinking that perhaps he has something going on in his life that is preventing him from being in communication.  Maybe his phone died?  Who knows.  I’m slowly accepting the fact that my brief, whirl-wind, almost romance might be over.  I hope to every big guy in the sky that it isn’t, but I’ll deal with what comes.

I did wake up in a better mood this morning.  I was downright perky–or perkier, considering how I had been–when I got up this morning, and had a good time going out to lunch with my mom and then to the mall for a little book shopping.  Didn’t hurt that our waiter was cute and I think might have been flirting.  When does that not help a situation?  I had to buy books for a class on Young Adult Literature that I’m taking this semester.  I spent nearly $150 in one trip on around 15 books.  And they’re all books I actually plan on keeping and using in my future career.  I also purchased the $20 membership to the bookstore I was at, and because I bought so many books, the membership ended up only costing me about $6.35, after the discounts on the books.  The cashier said that that was the lowest she had ever seen the price of the membership go.


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