I want…

I want to lay in the grass and forget everything.  I want to sprawl out on a grassy hill and not care if my jeans get grass stains.  I want to go back to five or eight or even ten years old, back to when I didn’t care about anything more than when my cousins would be at Granny’s house and what time Momma and Daddy would be off work.  I want the age where I actually liked wearing shorts, even with knobby knees sticking out.  The age when I wore sandals as much as possible and barefeet even more.  And when I did wear sandals they were only loosely buckled, covering feet brown with dirt, only clean in the mornings when I woke up and the nights after a bath.

I want the sun’s shine and the star’s glow and the moon’s rays and spending as much time outside in each as possible.  I need Friday nights with cousins and aunts and uncles, grandparents and parents.  And by cousins, not just first, but second and third and whoever dropped by and great-aunts and great-uncles and most especially great-grandparents–even though they were more of a Sunday thing, not Friday.  I want baseball in the field and besting my male cousins at archery.  I crave sitting on the cinderblock stairs wen tired and braiding my littler cousins’ hair and always trying, but never figuring out how to French braid.

I even want early Sunday mornings, getting ready for church and eating breakfast at my grandparents’ house.  Momma in her pajamas, helping me put on pantyhose at four years old, me trying desperately to catch Sesame Street on the tv over her shoulder.  I need the guidance of Sunday school and the sanity of my life that I lost at age 10.  I want Sundays with my extended family, crowded into my great-grandparents’ trailer in the winter and spread out into the yard in Spring, Summer, and Fall.  I want to beg Momma to bring shorts and tshirts when she picked Granny and me from church and singing along to Leann Rimes on the twenty minute drive to Bear Creek.  I want to avoid kissing my great-grandfather goodbye, but actually kissing his cheek this time.

I want to go back to when my biggest decision was what shirt to wear and what game to play.  I thought I had it hard then and never realized how easy life actually was.