I want…

I want to lay in the grass and forget everything.  I want to sprawl out on a grassy hill and not care if my jeans get grass stains.  I want to go back to five or eight or even ten years old, back to when I didn’t care about anything more than when my cousins would be at Granny’s house and what time Momma and Daddy would be off work.  I want the age where I actually liked wearing shorts, even with knobby knees sticking out.  The age when I wore sandals as much as possible and barefeet even more.  And when I did wear sandals they were only loosely buckled, covering feet brown with dirt, only clean in the mornings when I woke up and the nights after a bath.

I want the sun’s shine and the star’s glow and the moon’s rays and spending as much time outside in each as possible.  I need Friday nights with cousins and aunts and uncles, grandparents and parents.  And by cousins, not just first, but second and third and whoever dropped by and great-aunts and great-uncles and most especially great-grandparents–even though they were more of a Sunday thing, not Friday.  I want baseball in the field and besting my male cousins at archery.  I crave sitting on the cinderblock stairs wen tired and braiding my littler cousins’ hair and always trying, but never figuring out how to French braid.

I even want early Sunday mornings, getting ready for church and eating breakfast at my grandparents’ house.  Momma in her pajamas, helping me put on pantyhose at four years old, me trying desperately to catch Sesame Street on the tv over her shoulder.  I need the guidance of Sunday school and the sanity of my life that I lost at age 10.  I want Sundays with my extended family, crowded into my great-grandparents’ trailer in the winter and spread out into the yard in Spring, Summer, and Fall.  I want to beg Momma to bring shorts and tshirts when she picked Granny and me from church and singing along to Leann Rimes on the twenty minute drive to Bear Creek.  I want to avoid kissing my great-grandfather goodbye, but actually kissing his cheek this time.

I want to go back to when my biggest decision was what shirt to wear and what game to play.  I thought I had it hard then and never realized how easy life actually was.


E is for Exhausted

I am both literally and emotionally exhausted.  I haven’t slept much in the past few days and not for any reason I’d like to have been up for.  I’ve also been on an emotional jab recently and I think I’ve wanted to cry nearly every minute for the last 24 hours.  I actually have cried a few times, but mostly I’ve held it in, because I was around people and I had to.  I’m pretty sure it’s because of female issues, but this is a completely new thing.  I don’t normally get emotional, but the past few months I have been at this time.  My temper issues don’t help much either.  As my mother put it at lunch, “You hold it in and hold it in until you cry.”  And, yes, yes, I do.  I got pissed this past weekend and held it in until I was sitting on a chartered bus, surrounded by 30 some other people, leaning against a window and faking sleep in the pitch black night, when in actuality I was silently crying.  Why on a chartered bus, surrounded by all those people?  Because if not there, then where?  I was headed back to a hotel where I was sharing a room with three of my good friends who would have surely been suspicious had I entered the bathroom, stayed in there for a while, and then exited with red eyes.  Not to mention the fact that if I cry while alone, I sob and they would have heard the sobs.

It was a bad day overall, this past Saturday, and my trips on that chartered bus started and encouraged the bad mood I was in.  Other situations only helped to prolong the mood.  That guy from my first post?  The one that made me think that my life was “damn good”?  Yeah, well, I haven’t heard from him since last Thursday.  It’s the longest we’ve gone without talking and part of me is worried I did something wrong and part of me thinks, screw him, if he doesn’t want to continue what we started, his lost.  A third, slightly more rational part of me, is thinking that perhaps he has something going on in his life that is preventing him from being in communication.  Maybe his phone died?  Who knows.  I’m slowly accepting the fact that my brief, whirl-wind, almost romance might be over.  I hope to every big guy in the sky that it isn’t, but I’ll deal with what comes.

I did wake up in a better mood this morning.  I was downright perky–or perkier, considering how I had been–when I got up this morning, and had a good time going out to lunch with my mom and then to the mall for a little book shopping.  Didn’t hurt that our waiter was cute and I think might have been flirting.  When does that not help a situation?  I had to buy books for a class on Young Adult Literature that I’m taking this semester.  I spent nearly $150 in one trip on around 15 books.  And they’re all books I actually plan on keeping and using in my future career.  I also purchased the $20 membership to the bookstore I was at, and because I bought so many books, the membership ended up only costing me about $6.35, after the discounts on the books.  The cashier said that that was the lowest she had ever seen the price of the membership go.

D is for Determined

I have a dream about what my life will be like in a few years.  I have a plan, but I don’t like to put concrete terms on it, because I know it won’t be exactly how I plan.  In a year and a half I will graduate from college.  For four years I will begin my career as a High School English teacher–hopefully at at my alma mater, but any high school that fits well with me, will nice.  During this time, I find someone who will eventual become my fiance and then my husband.  At the end of the first four years of teaching, my contract with the state of North Carolina will be over and I will have paid off half of my college dues.  At this point, (2015) my fiance and I will be ready to get married and we will have the ceremony in October or November of that year, outside.  I’ll be 26 at this point and well on my way to being a tenured teacher at the high school.  My (now) husband will be working full time, doing what he loves to do (whatever that may be) and we will be set up in a comfortable house with room for our family to grow.  We’ll live in community about thirty minutes away from where I work so that I can limit the amount of outside-school run-ins I have with students and parents.  A few months after we marry, because we will have already been at least semi-stable for a while, we’ll start a family and begin our journey to at least two biological children and two adopted children (hopefully two of each gender, but any combination would be great).  We’ll settle into our second house and final home when I’m around thirty and live happily with our four children (who have awesomely unique names that aren’t hard to pronounce or spell).

It’s a happy little dream, isn’t it?  I would love for this to happen and am going to do all I can to make it happen.  I’m apprehensive about the boyfriend/fiance/husband bit, but it will happen when it happens and I look forward to it all happening.

And if it doesn’t go exactly how I want, I do have an alternate plan–for children, anyway.  I keep in touch with my doctor and keep an eye on my fertility and around 35–if I’m not married–I go it alone and start on having the family I want.

C is for Confused

So, I’m new to the whole world of wordpress and I’m still figuring some stuff out. Like this quick press feature. I’m assuming that it’s just an easy way to post, but you know the old cliche about assuming things…please tell me you know the cliche. It would just really kill me to find out that I really an an 80 year old woman in a 21 year old’s body. Alright, the cliche is this: when you assume you make an ass out of you and me. Actually, probably everyone knows that one, but I do have my suspicions about that whole 80/21 thing. Anyway, assuming my assumption Is correct, this will become a post and I will have figured out how to post from my iPod.

U didn’t post yesterday, but I didn’t think I would. It was a pretty uneventful day, overall. I cleaned the house, ran some errands, etc, etc. It was beyond boring and I cannot wait to get back to school so that I actually have things to do during the day. Other than nap. Can a girl get a paper to write? I’d actually enjoy that, for once.

Random mention of the day: I think I have a mild case of ESP. I can sort of anticipate phone calls and text messages. When I message someone and I’m not sure when they’re going to get back to me, I always get this weird sort of feeling and then I check my phone. I’ve either just gotten a message or am going to get one before I can even get my phone unlocked. I’ve got that feeling right now and am trying to finish this thought before I check. I’m also a little scatter brained and lose my train of thought regularly. And, in fact I did have a message. But it wasn’t very “talkative” so I’m not sure what to respond. Like I said in an earlier post, I’m new to this whole boy/girl thing…I don’t know what to say have the time. I feel awkward sometimes and I hate feeling awkward.

B is for Barely

As in barely have I had this for 24-hours and already I’ve nearly forgotten about it.  But, yay for me, I remembered and I’m posting.

I don’t do New Year’s resolutions.  I don’t really see the point in setting yourself up for failure at the beginning of the year.  I believe far more firmly in the idea that what you do on the first day of the new year is what you will do for the rest of the year.  While there are a few things I wish I had done on January 1st, the things I did do are pretty good and I won’t mind repeating them all year long.  I slept late (which I’m trying to do as much as possible so that I won’t miss it too much when I’m teaching and up super early in the mornings), had a great lunch at the local Mexican restaurant, had a few good laughs, and wore one of my most favorite outfits.  If I could do that just have the days of 2010, I’d be all set.

Now, as for what I wish I had done that very first day of the new year.  I wish I had dropped to the ground and done a few sit ups and  push ups.  I don’t mind doing them, when I think to.  I actually enjoy doing sit ups and they’re my exercise of  choice.  I’m thinking more and more of how I should get into some sort of basic everyday exercise routine.  If it’s only half an hour a day on the floor of my bedroom, that’s better than nothing at all.  I’m not a runner, or a gym goer…I prefer much more private modes of working out.  I went to a yoga class one day last semester with a friend and never went back.  The people were nice and I didn’t mind the work, but the room had one full wall of mirrors.  I don’t mind seeing myself when I’m in a cute outfit, but black high water sweats and an over sized tee?  No, thank you.  It didn’t help that my friend didn’t want to go back.  There was no way I wasn’t going to go with out a buddy.  There was partner work at the end and I don’t want to take my chances of being the only person there with out a partner.

On another note, I’m counting down the days until I have to go on a trip with a group I’m a part of at school.  We leave at 5:30 am on Friday, and that’s about all the detail I have.  I would love to know more.  Like what clothes to pack.  What money I’ll need.  When I’ll be coming back home.  Yeah, that last one’s kind of important.

A is for Alpha

I need a new way to reach out to the world.  I haven’t had much success with blogs in the past and I hope to have greater success on wordpress.  My problem is always a great excitement to begin with and then a slow downfall into nothing.  I post and post and post and then nada.  I hope to stay consistent with wordpress, maybe not a post everyday, but a few posts a week would be a good goal.  This is my first post and we’re just going to jump right into it, shall we?

I’m wondering if there’s a word that describes the feeling of being insecure and very secure all at the same time.  One one hand, I feel great.  I’m finally becoming comfortable in my body, I love my hair at the moment, I’ve realized that I have great eyes and a wonderful smile.  I don’t want to sound vain, because I’m far from that.  I just think it’s important for people to tell themselves every once in a while what’s great about them, what makes them the beautiful person they are.  For years people told me that no one would ever voluntarily tell me how wonderful I am if I don’t tell myself that first.  Then someone came along and changed that belief.  Someone came into my life and started to tell me that I’m attractive, that I’m sexy, that I have great eyes and I look amazing when I smile.

But that’s where the insecure part comes in.  I’ve never had that person in my life before.  I’ve never dealt with this and I don’t know when to second guess things he says and things he doesn’t and I try not to, I really do, but I’m so new to this area that I’m more than a fish out of water, I’m more like a fish in space.  But I love this feeling I have.  It’s amazing and I’m looking forward to all the feelings to come.

As I reread this, I realize that I probably sound like a fourteen entering her first relationship.  I’m not fourteen, but this is the closest I’ve come to having a boyfriend.  I’m a late bloomer.  So late that I’m 21 and I’ve yet to have an official boyfriend.  And now that I’ve had a taste of what it feels like to care about another person like this, I don’t want to get rid of it.  I’ve seen what all the hype is about and I agree 100%.

I don’t want to get ahead of myself, because nothing is official, but I’m very happy where I am in life and he has a lot to do with that.

Not that my life wouldn’t be great if it weren’t for what’s starting.  I’m three semesters away from graduating college with my degree in English Education.  I have great friends, a wonderful roommate, amazing family and sweet pets.  I stay busy and I can’t wait to be a high school English teacher.  Life is pretty good right now.

Damn good, in fact.